Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i was born a porn star she said
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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