Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
