i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
