dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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