Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
