You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
