you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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