i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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