I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
