im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dignity is for republicans.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
