I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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