I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
