This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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