i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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