I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
