if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
