Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Are we still banned from the library?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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