and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
