You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
