Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
