You smell like a Billy Joel song
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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