No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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