I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
