It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i out mim tonsoeep
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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