Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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