I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
