Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
