He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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