you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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