Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize