Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
