i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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