Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
