Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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