apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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