oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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