I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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