My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
