i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
