I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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