Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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