Your tits are I can't wait for
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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