Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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