speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
