Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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