You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
