Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
