Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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