Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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