I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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