I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
