I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
