this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
