we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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