just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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