I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
