If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
