Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
