I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
